There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
