it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
