you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
