i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
