the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
