if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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