My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
