All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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