i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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