dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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