I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
