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I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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