11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
