I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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