Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
