Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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