hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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