she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
