im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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