I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
