I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
