WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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