filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
