first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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