dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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