Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
