i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
