Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
