I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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