I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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