I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
