why didn't you poke me back
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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