god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
