weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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