Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's rum buckets o'clock
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
