girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
