I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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