If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
