So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
