I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
