Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
