Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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