I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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