I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
