i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
