you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
