Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
