Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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