I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
