I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
