I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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