Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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